White Noise Slavery

Before I begin, I just want to send out an apology to the universe and, most specifically, my Twitter friends. I know my melt down last week was of tremendously idiotic proportions, and trust me, it was a ONE TIME occurrence. IF you know me, you know that, generally, I don't talk about much of anything of a personal nature, especially if it involves heartache. So.............yeah. I am sorry. And, also, I need to send out the world's biggest THANK YOU! The comments and messages and phone calls got me through a very rugged patch that I don't know how I would have gotten through otherwise. Thank you!



So, here's the scoop (short and sweet, it will not be).

I don't know exactly what this is. I have no definition of it, because I don't think we've ever been at this particular place in our marriage. I don't know what it feels like to be in the middle of a marriage that may very well be evaporating around me, so it's all just a bit foreign to me.

Things haven't been right for (at the very least) 2 years now. I know, that's a long time for someone to know how wrong things are going, but it's also a short period of time for someone who just cannot fathom giving up and walking away. We all choose what we are willing to put up with. We all choose what to delude ourselves about. Nothing ever changes until we wake up and look around.

Maybe I am finally waking up. So much has been lost this year, lost over the past TWO years. Sometimes you have to lose things to realize what you really, actually do HAVE. Sometimes the loss may actually allow you to notice that YOU, yourself have worth. Worth beyond what anyone ever took the time for to give you credit.

Kids are gone, mother-in-law (who lived right next door) passed away in '07, He (short for Heath) is gone 99.286754% of the time, extended family (my parents, brother, aunt, cousins, etc.) have proven that I am not worth their time. That's all fine. That's all just an epic novel that perhaps I'll someday write.

All this gone-ness leaves just me, my beloved Paulie, and the 4 cats, and new just this year, an army of millipedes ('Pedes) that keep sneaking up from the crawlspace and in from the front door which clearly needs sealed better. Oh, and let's not forget Meeester Groundhog, who has glorious blubber that rolls in gentle waves when he runs from the middle of the yard back to his home under the shed. It's awesome :)

So yeah, background info:

We (with the exception of my son) are a grouping of chemically-imbalanced brains that have needed or do need medicinal intervention. Depression, anxiety, etc. And, when someone decides that He can screw around with his medication, stop taking it cold turkey and experience no adverse side effects, He finds out the contrary is true. His medication must be taken as directed. His medication, if it is to be stopped, must be monitored and limited as his doctor directs.

But that's all that is....background info. In no way, shape or form is it any 'excuse' or rationale for behaviors or choices. It's not.

I guess I just don't know how or where to draw a line. I don't know how to discern what is true, and right and worth saving and what is 'just going through the motions'. Everything I thought I knew, I guess I didn't. Everything I believed in, I'm starting to question. The only thing I do know, without doubt, is that I love him. Beyond that, I know nothing....

The gory details of last week are fairly irrelevant, and basically just symptoms of a bigger issue. At some point, I told myself that if I HEARD him say the words that he was no longer in love with me, and no longer loved me, then...THEN...I could move on. Later, maybe the next day, I realized that there would be no need to hear the words spoken, because it's the action and inaction that speak VOLUMES over the useless words.

I have strong intuition when it comes to him. For so many years, I have buried said intuition under shit-loads of denial and false hope. I told myself all manner of half-truths and fluffy, perfect, white picket bullshit just to keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Just to keep going.

I am scared. This is new territory. This is nauseating, sickening, horrifying new territory, this land of being completely and utterly alone. This place where I will have to be solely responsible for the outcome of my life. Solely responsible for supporting myself. I don't even know if I can do it.

For the moment, however, things are maybe back on a crooked, curving, rickety track. But, trust me, I don't have 1000% faith that it's a certainty. I don't believe blindly, any longer, that anything about me-trying to do whatever it would take-would make us better, would make our marriage work, or would make him love me the way he used to...Maybe I should not even move forward without that certainty, but I am anyway.

Call it a form of self preservation. Call it taking the time to formulate my Plan B. Call it whatever you want to call it.....

I'm just so tired of pretending that everything is all right. So tired of Putting On Airs in front of family, just to hold the "family" together. Tired of people constantly sweeping all the real issues under the rug just to avoid, avoid, avoid any conflict or disagreement.

Everything is out on the table with him. What he does next is up to him. But I will never, ever again, be cheaper to keep around. I will never again put myself on back burner status just to make sure that everyone else feels all warm & fuzzy. I will never stay silent again.

Silent All These Years.....
Tori Amos

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog wont bite if you sit real still
I got the Antichrist in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me- you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don't care cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and its been here
Silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
Whats so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
Hows that thought for ya

My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think its enough
To get us there

Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange cloud raining in my head
Years go by will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know were too easy easy easy
...

I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And its been here
Silent all these years
I've been here
Silent all these years

Everytime I Try to Say It....

For What It's Not Worth.....

Sometimes it takes me a long, long time to learn a life lesson. Decades even.

2009 has been a year of loss, mostly of the personal variety. It's also been a year of starting to get back what I lost in the years preceding.

Some days, I feel as if someone is hitting me full force right in the chest, knocking the wind out of me over and over and over....

Other days, I feel clearer, and lighter. Tons of weight lifted off my psyche, air clearing and fog lifting.




The main thing, however, is that I have realized that spending an exorbitant amount of time worrying about how anyone (other than me) perceives me is often just a true waste of brain cell energy.

These are the things that are true about me:

-I have a huge heart with an endless supply of love to give
-I am sensitive (oh no! Can't have THAT)
-I am passionate (again, oh no!!)
-I tend to dive in head first without looking sometimes.
-I tend to get overexcited (overzealous even?) when something or someone comes along that inspires me.
-In the throes of the overzealousity (yeah, I know, it's not a word), I tend to miss cues that I am overstepping some sort of social hierarchy.
-I often over-think things....constantly churning, turning, grilling, and rethinking an issue to death.
-I am loyal. Loyal until the person/people I am loyal to don't repay in kind. My loyalty is not blind.
-I am not comfortable with status quo, however, doing something to change status quo proves to be a bit difficult in some situations.
-I am getting stronger (emotionally and physically) by the day. Just slow.
-I will never, ever, ever again, ever be 'cheaper to keep around'.
-I will never again lie down and assume doormat status just to try to win approval or affection of anyone, including family.


I'm done with many things. My soul has nearly been erased this year (and no-I'm not trying to be melodramatic, just blatantly honest). But I guess what has happened, really did need to happen, in order to really start seeing things and people as they really are. Suffice to say, the blinders have been removed!



The me that sits before you, typing this, is a different person than last year. Me, now, in the present:



-thinking
-awake
-aware
-not willing to put up with the garbage any longer
-coming back to life


Maybe this is vague, I just wanted to record it for posterity's sake, period.

When Twitter Attacks

Before we begin, allow me to clarify: Yes, I do wear a tinfoil helmet and it does not need adjusted, thank you very much.

There must be a reason for the recent epic Twitter failure that continues to prevent many a useful Twitterer from tweeting. Here are a few that my tinfoil reception picked up on, whilst I waited to find a solution to being bound and gagged:

1. Somebody was offended by not only the fact that we discussed breakfast, but that we had the nerve to eat breakfast at all. My guess:

2. Twitter is conducting market research. By depriving us of our microblogged, spoon-cooked crack, they can discern the exact level of our addiction and how much we may be willing to pay to ensure that such an outage never, ever occurs again!

3. Employers across the globe secretly banded together (via email while employees were tweeting) to create 24-72 hours of utter and complete productivity, unhindered by the Twitter microcosm.

No matter who's causing this "Denial of Service" attack, the only thing they've done is to make people wait longer to be less productive. Is that really, REALLY, such a bad thing? :)

Photo credits:

http://news.softpedia.com/images/news2/Skinny-Models-No-Longer-Wanted-on-the-Catwalk-2.jpg
http://links.zigzo.com/files/2007/05/13.jpg
http://www.foundation3d.com/gallery/data/511/FISK-imaging-Cubicles.jpg

Get Out Of My Rowboat

What better time to start over than shortly after your birthday? Since the resolution thing took a swim down the toidy, I figured a mid-year review may be the way to revive my waning desire to keep going.

In the past 7 months:

-My son finished his 1st year of college with an A average
-My daughter left and moved in with her grandparents
-Marriage has had at least 57 ups and downs, as per usual
-Depression seems to have taken on the role of second skin

I really had some high hopes for this year. Clearly, something has killed my buzz.

Been doing a lot of soul and mind searching. Trying to find exactly what it is that I am and can do with my life.

In the first part of this year, I've been called:

-Whore
-Bitch
-Stalker
-Retard
-Idiot
-Lazy
-Bent Out of Shape
-Bag Lady

Only one of those names came from someone who doesn't know me personally.

I'm fully and completely aware of my long list of fuck-ups. I am also becoming aware that the incessant badgering, belittlement and belligerence of those who choose their words with such complete abandon is getting old.

I know I've not been the best person I could be. I know that I've also chosen some of my own words with complete and utter abandon, as well. It's just an endless replay of Catch 22. Fucked if you do, fucked if you don't. My head is burning.

I'm not putting this all out into the abyss as a cry for sympathy, because I know I've done my share to bring it on. I'm saying it out loud because I'm tired of being quiet about it. I'm tired of painting on a semi-happy, glossed over, face to the world, while inside I am silently being run through the shredder. I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm right next door to destroyed.

But, what I know most of all is this:

I am moving forward.
I am leaving behind that which I have no power to change.
I am done wanting, needing and waiting on the support and approval of those closest to the home front.

If I'm gonna do this, I have to do it on my own.

Que Sera Sera, right?