Jooblie Goes To Buffalo

For a brief moment....

Dear Jooblie,

I know it's LESS than exciting, but I thought about you a few weeks ago. Went to Buffalo with my husband. Thought that-should you get Buffalo-sick-you can look at these and feel right back at home again. If you ever commuted on the freeways and stuff. There's even a crappy pic of the skyline :)

Sorry I couldn't bring you home any of your favorite foods. We went to the Kohls store and then left. No time for stopping :(

Rock on.

Mi

If It Comes Back To You...

Sorry

You like to hurt me
You know that you do
You like to think in some way
That it's me and not you
(But we know that isn't true)

You like to have me
Jump and be good
But I don't want to do it
You don't know why I don't act
The way you think I should

You thought they'd make me
Behave and submit
What were you thinking
'Cause I don't forget

You don't know why
I won't give in
To hell with the pressure
I'm not caving in

You know that I got
Under your skin
You sold your soul
But I won't let you win

...

You've got all the answers
You know everything

...

I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You don't know who in the hell to
Or not to believe

I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You don't know who you can trust now
Or you should believe

...

You close your eyes
All well and good

...

You tell them stories
They'd rather believe
Use and confuse them
They're numb and naïve
The truth is the truth hurts don't you agree
It's harder to live with the truth about you
Than to live with the lies about me
Nobody owes you
Not one god damn thing

...

I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You chose to hurt those that love you
And not set them free
...

You don't need
Anybody else to be
Sorry for you
You've got no heart
You can't see
All that you've done for me
I know the reasons
You tear me apart

-Guns N' Roses

Today I learned that she's gone, pretty much for good. It's probably all for the best, right? The old adage "If you love something, set it free...." seems to apply here. And the answer is: She never was mine to hold on to. The door may always be open, but I doubt she'll ever choose to walk back through it.

For a new beginning, take the next exit.

List V. 5/09

It's May, I got nothing.

After reviewing progress (and utter lack thereof) for the past 4 months, it would seem that it's time to experiment with a new methodology-NO LIST.

What's the worst that can happen? I won't accomplish anything? I don't need a list to pull that off!

In the past 4 months, I've done some things. I've not done a lot of other things. Been motivated...for all of 5 minutes and then forgot what the hell I was motivated about.

I'm a great starter, as in idea starter. It's just the followup and accomplishment of said ideas that I clearly suck at.

So yeah, for May....I am forgoing List V. 5/09. We'll revisit the issue...maybe at the end of the month.

Water, Water, Everywhere

This is NOT the first image you want to lay eyes on, first thing in the morning, after having slept in a truck, and having NOT used the toidy since somewhere in Michigan, some 10 hours earlier.

The power of suggestion was hideous, and very unnecessary.

Thank God the facilities were just a few uncomfortable steps away, at the cruddy truck stop in Perrysburg, OH.

Light Me Up

Gonna be a bumpy ride.....

I'm about to do something. Something important. Something I should've done eons ago.

I don't claim to be able to actually accomplish it, this try around. BUT, as the saying goes "You miss 100% of the shots you never take..." or something like that.

The more time passes, the more it becomes blatantly obvious and dings me about the skull daily, hourly even, how stupid I am being and how I'm the only one who has the power to change it.

Probably won't happen overnight. But it's time.

For now, that's all I got to say about that. To say anymore, in my mind, will set me up for assured failure. I'm superstitious, I suppose.

When the deed is done....I'll let you know.

List V. 4/09

So, I'm a little behind on List v.4/09. March came in and went out like a lion in this house, so my thinking processes have been just a bit skewed.

Depression came back in full swing as the month progressed. Lots of extraneous bullshite came about. See Take the Meds, Please for the brief, but gory details. Hence, I just have not had a great deal of time to focus on self improvement matters. As I look outside, at the ever greener grass, I am reminded of all the stuff I've put off and really need to get going on. Better late than never, I do suppose. SO, here are the plans for the remainder of April.

Health/Appearance

GUESS WHAT?!?! I finally went to the eye doctor...yesterday. So, shiny new frisbee-sized contact lenses should be arriving tomorrow or Friday. YAY. Also, went to the regular doc for the depression. Put me on yet ANOTHER med, so we'll try and see how this one works. Gotta get more blood work done, to check on bile/bilirubin levels and thyroid, due to a tremendous all over internal ITCH that has overwhelmed me lately. Not sure if it's stress related or a side effect of being sans gall bladder. Doc said that bile levels, when they get too high (I think), can cause itching. Great. Checking thyroid because appetite has been OUT OF CONTROL this past month, while energy levels have been next to ZERO! I WISH it could be as simple as a thyroid problem. I do. I'd love to say that I'm going to diet like hell this month, but we'll wait and see if the meds help with the appetite first. Getting back on water consumption again....kind slid over the past month....and didn't accomplish the giving up of the Diet soda either.

So for April, let's see what I can do:

-Get a hair cut? Maybe.
-Lose 5 lbs.

I'll keep it simple. Baby steps, you know.

Relationships

March was a true test of my abilities to withstand and perservere when it came to family. Lots of issues with my daughter. Felt really, just absolutely disconnected from my husband, and I still miss my son horrendously, even though he was home for Spring Break. Can't wait for summer break!! I know I've probably been in denial about the whole depression issue, and thus my own issues contribute to the downfall of other relationships, so we'll give it a month and see if I'm back up to par, emotionally. If so, I guess it's safe to say that I can only get better living through chemicals. For the record, the defiant, independant part of me despises the fact that I have to take anything. I hate being weak. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT!

In April, let's do this:

-Reconnecting with my husband. On all kinds of levels.
-Continuing to work on issues with my daughter. Court appointed counseling (for her) begins in last week of April. Trying to communicate better and more with her, but it does take two, so she's going to have to work at it just as hard as I am. We've both pulled away. Time to pull back together.

Career

Oy. Work/finding work/doing work went right down the toilet in March, so now it's time to get back on track. If not for the support and faith of my very good friend Yo , creator and founder of Freelance Writerville, I don't know if I would have the faith and courage to keep going with the writing. I watch her, I read her, I follow what she does, and I try to learn how to make this thing successful. Time it will take. Much time.

April's Do It To It List:

-Journal. I need to journal. I need to start getting my emotions and feelings OUT of my head so I can get past them.
-Demand Studios: Keep plugging away at those articles. My all time high was 11 approved for one week. Not bad, but I can do better.
-Write more for Textbroker. It's good practice if nothing else.
-Write one or two original pieces for Constant Content.

Self Improvement

Guess what else took a trunkside seat in March? That's right. Who has time to work on themselves when they are busy worrying about everything else? Part of repairing my destroyed self is creating new habits where money is concerned. If you want to know more about how to be a financial screw up, you should read The Debt Killer Diaries. It's a sink or swim effort to get myself up and out of this very deep hole and get myself and my family back on track. Apart from that, it's SPRING. Time for cleaning, gardening and sorting things out to sell.

April brings:

-Getting flowerbeds raked out, giving Peonies and Irises a chance to survive.
-Getting garden set up. This one's kind of hard on my own, but it looks like there's not going to be much else I can do but do it alone.
-Sorting through, listing and selling books on Amazon. Look for more later, if you want some cheap reads.

That, I do believe, just about does it for April. It's a smaller, less ambitious list, so hopefully, I can overcome and succeed at accomplishing the majority of it. We shall see.


Feel free to share your own 2009 progress. It's good to compare notes!

Take the Meds, Please

You can take the meds off the girl, but you can't take the girl off the meds.....

Just a brief interlude to mention that I am thoroughly distraught, not to mention disgusted, that I can't seem to function in a normal, everyday, HUMAN capacity without chemical intervention. Sure there are mitigating factors, but now that everything has pretty much passed (for the moment), NOW, now, I get worse. NOW, the depression sneaks back in. NOW. What the hell?

Going to the doc tomorrow. Giving in again. Tired of being tired. Tired of having ZERO energy no matter what I do. Tired of feeling this way. Can't afford counseling, so have to settle for the happy pills. Wondering if maybe I should try something different, as if I haven't tried everything already.

Just a whole litany of things coming to a head that have driven me to distraction yet again. Here's the short list:

Husband had two weeks off for work injury
That's two weeks of me setting aside work time to take care of him.
Daughter got 4th suspension of the year....6 days out of school, 10 days off bus
Daughter got 2nd court appearance
Daughter had meltdown
Daughter got shipped off to juvie for a long weekend.
Daughter now has to go to court appointed counseling
Gave away daughter's pet rabbit because, after 4 years of her not taking care of it, it was time.
(Note: I kept growing increasingly more allergic to said rabbit so I couldn't even hold her without sneezing)
1 Year since the worst day of my life....(I'll get to that in another post....)

Yeah, so that's the short list without all the gories......suffice it to say alot more was involved, said and done.

So much for those happy endings.