Read Between My Lines

White Noise Slavery

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 15:01:00 +0000

Before I begin, I just want to send out an apology to the universe and, most specifically, my Twitter friends. I know my melt down last week was of tremendously idiotic proportions, and trust me, it was a ONE TIME occurrence. IF you know me, you know that, generally, I don't talk about much of anything of a personal nature, especially if it involves heartache. So.............yeah. I am sorry. And, also, I need to send out the world's biggest THANK YOU! The comments and messages and phone calls got me through a very rugged patch that I don't know how I would have gotten through otherwise. Thank you!

So, here's the scoop (short and sweet, it will not be).

I don't know exactly what this is. I have no definition of it, because I don't think we've ever been at this particular place in our marriage. I don't know what it feels like to be in the middle of a marriage that may very well be evaporating around me, so it's all just a bit foreign to me.

Things haven't been right for (at the very least) 2 years now. I know, that's a long time for someone to know how wrong things are going, but it's also a short period of time for someone who just cannot fathom giving up and walking away. We all choose what we are willing to put up with. We all choose what to delude ourselves about. Nothing ever changes until we wake up and look around.

Maybe I am finally waking up. So much has been lost this year, lost over the past TWO years. Sometimes you have to lose things to realize what you really, actually do HAVE. Sometimes the loss may actually allow you to notice that YOU, yourself have worth. Worth beyond what anyone ever took the time for to give you credit.

Kids are gone, mother-in-law (who lived right next door) passed away in '07, He (short for Heath) is gone 99.286754% of the time, extended family (my parents, brother, aunt, cousins, etc.) have proven that I am not worth their time. That's all fine. That's all just an epic novel that perhaps I'll someday write.

All this gone-ness leaves just me, my beloved Paulie, and the 4 cats, and new just this year, an army of millipedes ('Pedes) that keep sneaking up from the crawlspace and in from the front door which clearly needs sealed better. Oh, and let's not forget Meeester Groundhog, who has glorious blubber that rolls in gentle waves when he runs from the middle of the yard back to his home under the shed. It's awesome :)

So yeah, background info:

We (with the exception of my son) are a grouping of chemically-imbalanced brains that have needed or do need medicinal intervention. Depression, anxiety, etc. And, when someone decides that He can screw around with his medication, stop taking it cold turkey and experience no adverse side effects, He finds out the contrary is true. His medication must be taken as directed. His medication, if it is to be stopped, must be monitored and limited as his doctor directs.

But that's all that is....background info. In no way, shape or form is it any 'excuse' or rationale for behaviors or choices. It's not.

I guess I just don't know how or where to draw a line. I don't know how to discern what is true, and right and worth saving and what is 'just going through the motions'. Everything I thought I knew, I guess I didn't. Everything I believed in, I'm starting to question. The only thing I do know, without doubt, is that I love him. Beyond that, I know nothing....

The gory details of last week are fairly irrelevant, and basically just symptoms of a bigger issue. At some point, I told myself that if I HEARD him say the words that he was no longer in love with me, and no longer loved me, then...THEN...I could move on. Later, maybe the next day, I realized that there would be no need to hear the words spoken, because it's the action and inaction that speak VOLUMES over the useless words.

I have strong intuition when it comes to him. For so many years, I have buried said intuition under shit-loads of denial and false hope. I told myself all manner of half-truths and fluffy, perfect, white picket bullshit just to keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Just to keep going.

I am scared. This is new territory. This is nauseating, sickening, horrifying new territory, this land of being completely and utterly alone. This place where I will have to be solely responsible for the outcome of my life. Solely responsible for supporting myself. I don't even know if I can do it.

For the moment, however, things are maybe back on a crooked, curving, rickety track. But, trust me, I don't have 1000% faith that it's a certainty. I don't believe blindly, any longer, that anything about me-trying to do whatever it would take-would make us better, would make our marriage work, or would make him love me the way he used to...Maybe I should not even move forward without that certainty, but I am anyway.

Call it a form of self preservation. Call it taking the time to formulate my Plan B. Call it whatever you want to call it.....

I'm just so tired of pretending that everything is all right. So tired of Putting On Airs in front of family, just to hold the "family" together. Tired of people constantly sweeping all the real issues under the rug just to avoid, avoid, avoid any conflict or disagreement.

Everything is out on the table with him. What he does next is up to him. But I will never, ever again, be cheaper to keep around. I will never again put myself on back burner status just to make sure that everyone else feels all warm & fuzzy. I will never stay silent again.

Silent All These Years.....
Tori Amos

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog wont bite if you sit real still
I got the Antichrist in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me- you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don't care cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and its been here
Silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
Whats so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
Hows that thought for ya

My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think its enough
To get us there

Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange cloud raining in my head
Years go by will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know were too easy easy easy
...

I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And its been here
Silent all these years
I've been here
Silent all these years

Everytime I Try to Say It....

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 16:56:00 +0000

For What It's Not Worth.....

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 12:31:00 +0000

Sometimes it takes me a long, long time to learn a life lesson. Decades even.

2009 has been a year of loss, mostly of the personal variety. It's also been a year of starting to get back what I lost in the years preceding.

Some days, I feel as if someone is hitting me full force right in the chest, knocking the wind out of me over and over and over....

Other days, I feel clearer, and lighter. Tons of weight lifted off my psyche, air clearing and fog lifting.

The main thing, however, is that I have realized that spending an exorbitant amount of time worrying about how anyone (other than me) perceives me is often just a true waste of brain cell energy.

These are the things that are true about me:

-I have a huge heart with an endless supply of love to give
-I am sensitive (oh no! Can't have THAT)
-I am passionate (again, oh no!!)
-I tend to dive in head first without looking sometimes.
-I tend to get overexcited (overzealous even?) when something or someone comes along that inspires me.
-In the throes of the overzealousity (yeah, I know, it's not a word), I tend to miss cues that I am overstepping some sort of social hierarchy.
-I often over-think things....constantly churning, turning, grilling, and rethinking an issue to death.
-I am loyal. Loyal until the person/people I am loyal to don't repay in kind. My loyalty is not blind.
-I am not comfortable with status quo, however, doing something to change status quo proves to be a bit difficult in some situations.
-I am getting stronger (emotionally and physically) by the day. Just slow.
-I will never, ever, ever again, ever be 'cheaper to keep around'.
-I will never again lie down and assume doormat status just to try to win approval or affection of anyone, including family.

I'm done with many things. My soul has nearly been erased this year (and no-I'm not trying to be melodramatic, just blatantly honest). But I guess what has happened, really did need to happen, in order to really start seeing things and people as they really are. Suffice to say, the blinders have been removed!

The me that sits before you, typing this, is a different person than last year. Me, now, in the present:

-thinking
-awake
-aware
-not willing to put up with the garbage any longer
-coming back to life

Maybe this is vague, I just wanted to record it for posterity's sake, period.

When Twitter Attacks

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 12:53:00 +0000

Before we begin, allow me to clarify: Yes, I do wear a tinfoil helmet and it does not need adjusted, thank you very much.

There must be a reason for the recent epic Twitter failure that continues to prevent many a useful Twitterer from tweeting. Here are a few that my tinfoil reception picked up on, whilst I waited to find a solution to being bound and gagged:

1. Somebody was offended by not only the fact that we discussed breakfast, but that we had the nerve to eat breakfast at all. My guess:

2. Twitter is conducting market research. By depriving us of our microblogged, spoon-cooked crack, they can discern the exact level of our addiction and how much we may be willing to pay to ensure that such an outage never, ever occurs again!

3. Employers across the globe secretly banded together (via email while employees were tweeting) to create 24-72 hours of utter and complete productivity, unhindered by the Twitter microcosm.

No matter who's causing this "Denial of Service" attack, the only thing they've done is to make people wait longer to be less productive. Is that really, REALLY, such a bad thing? :)

Photo credits:

http://news.softpedia.com/images/news2/Skinny-Models-No-Longer-Wanted-on-the-Catwalk-2.jpg
http://links.zigzo.com/files/2007/05/13.jpg
http://www.foundation3d.com/gallery/data/511/FISK-imaging-Cubicles.jpg

Get Out Of My Rowboat

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 03:15:00 +0000

What better time to start over than shortly after your birthday? Since the resolution thing took a swim down the toidy, I figured a mid-year review may be the way to revive my waning desire to keep going.

In the past 7 months:

-My son finished his 1st year of college with an A average
-My daughter left and moved in with her grandparents
-Marriage has had at least 57 ups and downs, as per usual
-Depression seems to have taken on the role of second skin

I really had some high hopes for this year. Clearly, something has killed my buzz.

Been doing a lot of soul and mind searching. Trying to find exactly what it is that I am and can do with my life.

In the first part of this year, I've been called:

-Whore
-Bitch
-Stalker
-Retard
-Idiot
-Lazy
-Bent Out of Shape
-Bag Lady

Only one of those names came from someone who doesn't know me personally.

I'm fully and completely aware of my long list of fuck-ups. I am also becoming aware that the incessant badgering, belittlement and belligerence of those who choose their words with such complete abandon is getting old.

I know I've not been the best person I could be. I know that I've also chosen some of my own words with complete and utter abandon, as well. It's just an endless replay of Catch 22. Fucked if you do, fucked if you don't. My head is burning.

I'm not putting this all out into the abyss as a cry for sympathy, because I know I've done my share to bring it on. I'm saying it out loud because I'm tired of being quiet about it. I'm tired of painting on a semi-happy, glossed over, face to the world, while inside I am silently being run through the shredder. I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm right next door to destroyed.

But, what I know most of all is this:

I am moving forward.
I am leaving behind that which I have no power to change.
I am done wanting, needing and waiting on the support and approval of those closest to the home front.

If I'm gonna do this, I have to do it on my own.

Que Sera Sera, right?

Jooblie Goes To Buffalo

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 23:30:00 +0000

For a brief moment....

Dear Jooblie,

I know it's LESS than exciting, but I thought about you a few weeks ago. Went to Buffalo with my husband. Thought that-should you get Buffalo-sick-you can look at these and feel right back at home again. If you ever commuted on the freeways and stuff. There's even a crappy pic of the skyline :)

Sorry I couldn't bring you home any of your favorite foods. We went to the Kohls store and then left. No time for stopping :(

Rock on.

Mi

If It Comes Back To You...

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 21:28:00 +0000

Sorry

You like to hurt me
You know that you do
You like to think in some way
That it's me and not you
(But we know that isn't true)

You like to have me
Jump and be good
But I don't want to do it
You don't know why I don't act
The way you think I should

You thought they'd make me
Behave and submit
What were you thinking
'Cause I don't forget

You don't know why
I won't give in
To hell with the pressure
I'm not caving in

You know that I got
Under your skin
You sold your soul
But I won't let you win

...

You've got all the answers
You know everything

...

I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You don't know who in the hell to
Or not to believe

I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You don't know who you can trust now
Or you should believe

...

You close your eyes
All well and good

...

You tell them stories
They'd rather believe
Use and confuse them
They're numb and naïve
The truth is the truth hurts don't you agree
It's harder to live with the truth about you
Than to live with the lies about me
Nobody owes you
Not one god damn thing

...

I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You chose to hurt those that love you
And not set them free
...

You don't need
Anybody else to be
Sorry for you
You've got no heart
You can't see
All that you've done for me
I know the reasons
You tear me apart

-Guns N' Roses

Today I learned that she's gone, pretty much for good. It's probably all for the best, right? The old adage "If you love something, set it free...." seems to apply here. And the answer is: She never was mine to hold on to. The door may always be open, but I doubt she'll ever choose to walk back through it.

For a new beginning, take the next exit.

List V. 5/09

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:22:00 +0000

It's May, I got nothing.

After reviewing progress (and utter lack thereof) for the past 4 months, it would seem that it's time to experiment with a new methodology-NO LIST.

What's the worst that can happen? I won't accomplish anything? I don't need a list to pull that off!

In the past 4 months, I've done some things. I've not done a lot of other things. Been motivated...for all of 5 minutes and then forgot what the hell I was motivated about.

I'm a great starter, as in idea starter. It's just the followup and accomplishment of said ideas that I clearly suck at.

So yeah, for May....I am forgoing List V. 5/09. We'll revisit the issue...maybe at the end of the month.

Water, Water, Everywhere

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:18:00 +0000

This is NOT the first image you want to lay eyes on, first thing in the morning, after having slept in a truck, and having NOT used the toidy since somewhere in Michigan, some 10 hours earlier.

The power of suggestion was hideous, and very unnecessary.

Thank God the facilities were just a few uncomfortable steps away, at the cruddy truck stop in Perrysburg, OH.

Light Me Up

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:04:00 +0000

Gonna be a bumpy ride.....

I'm about to do something. Something important. Something I should've done eons ago.

I don't claim to be able to actually accomplish it, this try around. BUT, as the saying goes "You miss 100% of the shots you never take..." or something like that.

The more time passes, the more it becomes blatantly obvious and dings me about the skull daily, hourly even, how stupid I am being and how I'm the only one who has the power to change it.

Probably won't happen overnight. But it's time.

For now, that's all I got to say about that. To say anymore, in my mind, will set me up for assured failure. I'm superstitious, I suppose.

When the deed is done....I'll let you know.

List V. 4/09

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:47:00 +0000

So, I'm a little behind on List v.4/09. March came in and went out like a lion in this house, so my thinking processes have been just a bit skewed.

Depression came back in full swing as the month progressed. Lots of extraneous bullshite came about. See Take the Meds, Please for the brief, but gory details. Hence, I just have not had a great deal of time to focus on self improvement matters. As I look outside, at the ever greener grass, I am reminded of all the stuff I've put off and really need to get going on. Better late than never, I do suppose. SO, here are the plans for the remainder of April.

Health/Appearance

GUESS WHAT?!?! I finally went to the eye doctor...yesterday. So, shiny new frisbee-sized contact lenses should be arriving tomorrow or Friday. YAY. Also, went to the regular doc for the depression. Put me on yet ANOTHER med, so we'll try and see how this one works. Gotta get more blood work done, to check on bile/bilirubin levels and thyroid, due to a tremendous all over internal ITCH that has overwhelmed me lately. Not sure if it's stress related or a side effect of being sans gall bladder. Doc said that bile levels, when they get too high (I think), can cause itching. Great. Checking thyroid because appetite has been OUT OF CONTROL this past month, while energy levels have been next to ZERO! I WISH it could be as simple as a thyroid problem. I do. I'd love to say that I'm going to diet like hell this month, but we'll wait and see if the meds help with the appetite first. Getting back on water consumption again....kind slid over the past month....and didn't accomplish the giving up of the Diet soda either.

So for April, let's see what I can do:

-Get a hair cut? Maybe.
-Lose 5 lbs.

I'll keep it simple. Baby steps, you know.

Relationships

March was a true test of my abilities to withstand and perservere when it came to family. Lots of issues with my daughter. Felt really, just absolutely disconnected from my husband, and I still miss my son horrendously, even though he was home for Spring Break. Can't wait for summer break!! I know I've probably been in denial about the whole depression issue, and thus my own issues contribute to the downfall of other relationships, so we'll give it a month and see if I'm back up to par, emotionally. If so, I guess it's safe to say that I can only get better living through chemicals. For the record, the defiant, independant part of me despises the fact that I have to take anything. I hate being weak. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT!

In April, let's do this:

-Reconnecting with my husband. On all kinds of levels.
-Continuing to work on issues with my daughter. Court appointed counseling (for her) begins in last week of April. Trying to communicate better and more with her, but it does take two, so she's going to have to work at it just as hard as I am. We've both pulled away. Time to pull back together.

Career

Oy. Work/finding work/doing work went right down the toilet in March, so now it's time to get back on track. If not for the support and faith of my very good friend Yo , creator and founder of Freelance Writerville, I don't know if I would have the faith and courage to keep going with the writing. I watch her, I read her, I follow what she does, and I try to learn how to make this thing successful. Time it will take. Much time.

April's Do It To It List:

-Journal. I need to journal. I need to start getting my emotions and feelings OUT of my head so I can get past them.
-Demand Studios: Keep plugging away at those articles. My all time high was 11 approved for one week. Not bad, but I can do better.
-Write more for Textbroker. It's good practice if nothing else.
-Write one or two original pieces for Constant Content.

Self Improvement

Guess what else took a trunkside seat in March? That's right. Who has time to work on themselves when they are busy worrying about everything else? Part of repairing my destroyed self is creating new habits where money is concerned. If you want to know more about how to be a financial screw up, you should read The Debt Killer Diaries. It's a sink or swim effort to get myself up and out of this very deep hole and get myself and my family back on track. Apart from that, it's SPRING. Time for cleaning, gardening and sorting things out to sell.

April brings:

-Getting flowerbeds raked out, giving Peonies and Irises a chance to survive.
-Getting garden set up. This one's kind of hard on my own, but it looks like there's not going to be much else I can do but do it alone.
-Sorting through, listing and selling books on Amazon. Look for more later, if you want some cheap reads.

That, I do believe, just about does it for April. It's a smaller, less ambitious list, so hopefully, I can overcome and succeed at accomplishing the majority of it. We shall see.

Feel free to share your own 2009 progress. It's good to compare notes!

Take the Meds, Please

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:36:00 +0000

You can take the meds off the girl, but you can't take the girl off the meds.....

Just a brief interlude to mention that I am thoroughly distraught, not to mention disgusted, that I can't seem to function in a normal, everyday, HUMAN capacity without chemical intervention. Sure there are mitigating factors, but now that everything has pretty much passed (for the moment), NOW, now, I get worse. NOW, the depression sneaks back in. NOW. What the hell?

Going to the doc tomorrow. Giving in again. Tired of being tired. Tired of having ZERO energy no matter what I do. Tired of feeling this way. Can't afford counseling, so have to settle for the happy pills. Wondering if maybe I should try something different, as if I haven't tried everything already.

Just a whole litany of things coming to a head that have driven me to distraction yet again. Here's the short list:

Husband had two weeks off for work injury
That's two weeks of me setting aside work time to take care of him.
Daughter got 4th suspension of the year....6 days out of school, 10 days off bus
Daughter got 2nd court appearance
Daughter had meltdown
Daughter got shipped off to juvie for a long weekend.
Daughter now has to go to court appointed counseling
Gave away daughter's pet rabbit because, after 4 years of her not taking care of it, it was time.
(Note: I kept growing increasingly more allergic to said rabbit so I couldn't even hold her without sneezing)
1 Year since the worst day of my life....(I'll get to that in another post....)

Yeah, so that's the short list without all the gories......suffice it to say alot more was involved, said and done.

So much for those happy endings.

List V.3/09

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 15:57:00 +0000

February left me a bit frazzled. ....

(Singer Tairrie B
-owner unknown)

Well, what's to say. February's list just needs a giant FAIL stamped over it. I'm not even in the mood to go over why I didn't accomplish 99% of my goals for last month, so let's just call it what it is, and move on. First thing I need to do is to take my own damned written advice, and learn how to stop being lazy!

Depression is trying to weasel its way back under my skin, and I've spent a better portion of the last month just trying to fight it back. Med free. This month, I need to just rearrange my brain and get back in the game. It's going to be a hard month, weather wise, because the sunny, warmer days get lost in the rainy, cold, mucky, miserable days, and it just makes April feel unattainable.

Perhaps you are seeing a pattern here: I lack FOCUS. I'm all good at STARTING things, but then I fizzle out...sometimes rapidly, sometimes I don't even realize I have. So, let's have a look at what I NEED to accomplish in March.

Health and Appearance:

KEEP the eye appointment and get contact lenses. The glasses are driving me crazy and I can't see right!
Stop screwing around and start the exercising.
Get back to the water consumption.
Stop drinking soda, altogether. I drink diet. I don't wanna. I'll be out of Diet Pepsi today, and thus that phase will begin!

Relationships

Keep on keepin' on. In light of circumstances at home, I just need to keep trying to stop allowing things beyond my control to bring me down. Period.

Career

Stop being such a hindrance to myself.
Keep on trying new things and searching for my true niche
Test my boundaries and step clearly outside my comfort zone
Keep increasing my completions on Demand.
Blog. I seriously suck at keeping up with writing 'for fun'.

Self Improvement

Got 3 books started....finish at least one of them.
Garden planning 101 NOW! Got to make some serious decisions!
Finish taxes, bite the bullet and file!
Blog regularly.

I know, the March list is BEYOND generic. I've got a lot of thinking and reworking of myself to do this month. A LOT.

Losing Weight With a Shovel

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:49:00 +0000

This is what daylight brought us today. Yuck. However, knowing that EVENTUALLY I will have to leave the confines of the Bat Cave, guess who needed to go out and clear it? That's RIGHT! ME!

There's a good foot of snow layering the top of my baby car. Poor thing. However, now that I've cleared it off, I'm thinking I'm probably gonna kick myself if we should get any ice or freezing rain. Would've been wiser, probably to just leave it under its protective shell.

After a good 6 or 7 passes with the county snow plows up to this point, that snow out by the road was near solid. Good for the abs and the arms....and the back, and the legs. OOF.

I present to you one shoveled driveway, and one baby car, free from the protective blanket of snow, so that I may wonder out to hunt and gather for groceries tomorrow or Friday. Woot.

Of course, a whopping ten minutes after I got back in the house, the loverly snow plow passed by again. Fortunately, the driver took mercy on me and slowed down whilst passing the driveway.

So, whilst I was out there scuffling through the snow, I was reminded of this morning's conversation with my friend @dsackr , debating whether one would rather get 7-8 hours of sleep and no workout or 6 hours of sleep and a 1 hour workout. I told him, I'd opt for the 6/1 choice, simply because I don't sleep for long periods of time. So, to you Dale, I give you my 1 hour workout. :D

If you're in the market to lose some poundage (like I am), check out Dale's blog, I Quit...Again! He's been working out with his Nintendo Wii, and participating in this thing called the Biggest Loser: Blog Edition. Even if you are perfectly sculpted and proportioned, you should still go give this guy some encouragement and support. I think he rocks, and I admire him for putting it all out there for public scrutiny!

As Fez says: I say Good Day! :)

The List v. 2/09

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 22:10:00 +0000

There is Light at the End of January

With February POUNDING on the door, it's about time to get my bippy in gear and focus on what I want and need to do during the month of February. While I have met some of my January goals, I really need to get more focused and work harder at doing that which I know I WANT to do! So here goes:

Health and Appearance:

1. Get that eye appointment, and GO to it!
2. Start some strength training exercising....not sure what yet, but it'll come to me.
3. Keep up with January goals about water, treadmill, etc.
4. Get a damned haircut. I'm sick of my current lack of a do.

Relationships:

1. Continue working on my mouth and my temper.
2. Stop letting others get in the way (consciously or unconciously) of me accomplishing what I need to do
3. Deal with the hard stuff, front and center, instead of burying it and feigning ignorance.

Career:

1. Keep doing posts for Yo at Freelance Writerville (http://www.freelancewriterville.com)
2. Increase speed of turnaround time on Private Request work
3. Try to get at LEAST 8 articles done for eHow
4. Continue trying to do all articles in queueueue for Demand
5. Explore some other recommended sites.
6. Revisit Textbroker

Self Improvement

1. Read another full book
2. Continue parlez-ing zee Francaise!
3. Get all yarn and drawers reorganized after Typhoon Daughter went through everything and trashed it
4. Start planning garden and get some seedlings started

I think that's a fairly doable and sufficient list for the upcoming new month. I refuse to obsess about issues of weight and issues with daughter. All it does is increase the level of stress, and sends me into Catch-22 mode. For now, I need to focus on getting my goals accomplished, then perhaps other things will sort of fall into place on their own.

List v.1/09 Revisited

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 03:46:00 +0000

Well, here we are, nearing the end of the first month of 2009. Lots of things changed this month, the least of which being my waistline...but that's another story. I've been busy beyond words (obviously) writing this month. Trying desperately to keep our financial heads afloat in the face of severe slowdown at my husband's company. Trying.

So, I went back and reviewed my list of goals for January. If you need the rundown, here's the list in its entirety.

Health: The goals were pretty simple, and at least once in the month I've accomplished all THREE in one day :) I have been drinking water, actually A LOT of water. At least 3 liters a day. Of course, toidy time has increased exponentially, but you know... And I have switched from sugar to Equal in my tea. Go me. As for the treadmill, let's just say I didn't become reacquainted with that monstrosity until yesterday, but for these two days, I did exceed the 15 minute goal. Woot. Not too bad.

Appearance: I failed on 2 of 3. Bummer. No new glasses yet and no new hair color yet. So what. No biggie. Have been making a concerted effort to look best or at least better when my beloved is home, so that's a bonus.

Relationships: Work in progress. I have been working on my mouth, but it's gonna be a long journey, that goal.

Career: Failed in some aspects, but gained in others. No on Bukisa. No on Stitch Witch. Semi-sorta on eHow, and a change in marching orders on Private Request so it's all good. My beloved Yo over at Writerville has taken me under her dead sexy GRRR-faced wing and commissioned me to do some bloggie posts over there. So I did. Go check them out! She's got a kick ass thing going over there, and with time, I think it's gonna be a hit! I did manage to eke out 5 ehow articles. Here they are, if you are so inclined to go take a gander.

Self Improvement: I'm on week three of the French course....however, I can't seem to get the entire lesson to work on my PC, so I am muddling. I still continue to follow @jeanlucr on Twitter, and another person of the French persuasion started following me, however I am not quite sure why?!?! Regardless, it is a learning experience to read their French Tweets! I finished one book, hallelujah. Nothing to write home about. And, finally, today I'm going to gather my list of goals for February.

The List v.1/09

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 02:01:00 +0000

In keeping with my words of advice in my recent eHow article-"How to Make Ironclad New Year's Resolutions", I've put some serious thought into the things I would LIKE to & WILL do in the upcoming 365 day period. There's a wide gap, for me, between what I WANT to do & actual reality. Maybe this year should be about narrowing that gap. I could string thousands of words together, creating magnanimous goals for my future; however, to be perfectly honest, I don't spend a lot of time on that which I cannot control. I'm more of a "live in the moment" kind of woman. Not the most beneficial trait, but at least I can admit it out loud! I am one with my spontaneity. Sort of.

Since spontaneity is the life source from which I tend to draw, I've decided that instead of trying to map out an entire year's worth of goals, that I may just want to neaten things up a bit, and start with maybe just a MONTH. SOOOOOOOOOOO, this, my beloved readers and friends, is my list of goals for the upcoming 31-day period of JANUARY.

The short list (I'll go into detail for anyone who wants to know, later):

Health:

1. Drink at least 1 liter of water per day.
2. Switch from straight sugar to Equal in my tea.
3. 15 min. per day on the mill of treads.

Appearance:

1. Color my hair.....going for a dark brown/burgundy purplish color just because I want it to match my bed room :D
2. Make an eye appointment and put in an order for contact lenses again.
3. Dress less casually when my beloved comes home.

Relationships:

1. Live and let live and leave alone, as far as my family is concerned. (Family=parents, brother, etc.)
2. Stop waiting for the approval of others to actually LIVE my life, even if only for a month.
3. Monitor my mouth.
4. Work on my issues with self doubt and trust.

Career:

1. Attempt to complete my entire queue of article assignments at Demand every week, providing they actually have the titles to write!
2. Write at least 3 articles per week on eHow. If it goes well, I'll bump it up to 4 in February.
3. Complete the remainder of my private req. articles by end of first week of January
4. Write at least 2 original (not reposts from eHow) articles per week for Bukisa
5. Write at least 20 posts for Stitch Witch in January.

Self Improvement:

1. Start my 12-week French course from BBC. @jeanlucr on Twitter led me to this. He rocks!
2. Start AND Finish at least ONE book that's sitting on the shelf waiting to be read.
3. Start February's list of goals in last week of January.

I don't think that's too ostentatious as far as goals go, and probably REALLY conservative compared to others. However, if I spent time comparing my productivity to anyone else's, I'd probably just turn tail and run, right now.

A bit more detail about my goals, in order.

Health. Yeah, yeah, I too need to lose weight. Lost 50+lbs from Fall '07 to June '08. Gained back about 25, for myriad reasons. I have a goal number set in mind, but as far as committing to the actual figure, that just puts undue pressure on my psyche, and then in turn my mouth will intake more food to comfort me. So, baby steps is key for me. Since I don't have the phsyically demanding job anymore, I'm going to have to undertake the physical routines here at home. That will be a major hurdle. Stay tuned to see if I end up in traction!

Appearance. An overwhelming bout of depression, coupled with copious amounts of stress in the past year have dealt me some major blows, and the first thing to go was how I take care of me. Blase would be a good description of my attitude. I need new clothes. Really...not in an "OMG, I MUST hit that sale this week" kind of shopping fanatic kind of way....but in a "I'm wearing a 10 year old sweater that I can't bear to part with even though it's springing holes everywhere" form. I hate shopping. I hate shopping for ME even more. In the meantime, I've still got some fairly decent, not raggedy clothes that I CAN wear, so I'm gonna dig them out and start wearing them again. Hair is in serious need of a makeover. More details to come, later! Eyes.....I'm wearing glasses that are broke, and my contacts were way older than I should ever have been wearing. I'm gonna get new contacts, maybe the soft, disposable kind....because I kind of miss my face sans spectacles, that and my eyesight has seriously declined since I got these glasses in '07.

Relationships. I have a feeling that if I ever DO write a book, it's going to revolve around the sordid relationships that swirl around me. Enough said.

Career. I am serious about writing. I am serious about never going back to a typical day job. This WILL be the year that I get it ALL together, all coordinated, and start making a serious income from it. I'm already a bit over 1/2 way there, so I just need to take it upon myself to make it 100% there. Organization is key. With the declutterization of my workspace, this will be exponentially easier!

Self Improvement. It's been a long time since I undertook something new just for me. '09 is going to be the year of change, not just for the US-as promised by the President to Be, but for me too! I love to read....I just put it off in order to accomplish other things.

I'm actually excited about this list, and not feeling threatened by a 12-month laundry list of things that may not ever get accomplished. I hope you'll stay with my and follow my progress. I think, perhaps, weekly I will update on how it's going.

So, friends and other readers, what do YOU have in store for 2009? Let me know....we can bounce ideas around!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!

Confessions of a Dirty Housewife

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 16:27:00 +0000

SO, you thought you were gonna see something juicy, eh? Sorry to disappoint....nothing much to see here, except me starting to work on improving myself for the new year. Read on, ONLY if you want to see a transformation of PHENOMENAL proportions :)

So, yesterday, I decided that I needed to pull myself out of my recent slump, remove myself from sitting on my rump, and get moving. Looking around my room where I spend entirely too much time, I came to the realization that this is NOT how I want to live, work, or be. Of course, part of my slobbishness can be chalked up to the recent surgery and subsequent recovery period, and working non stop to be able to give others the Christmas I wanted to give them, but then, it's also really not an excuse.

Housekeeping has NEVER been my forte, and probably NEVER will be, but I still can make things look really decent when I get it in me to do so. It's not the doing, so much as the maintenance thereafter. Yes, I know. Grow up, right? Part of my mentality stems from living with an obsessive, compulsive, nitpickity controlling clean freak....my mom. She has lived much of her life being a slave to keeping up appearances. From the house, to the clothes, to MY appearance which she dominated for most of my childhood, to the yard, and everything within her power to control.....it's all been about making everything look how SHE wants it to look. Goody for her. For me, not so much. I'm adopted, and as such, I have inherited the genetic dispositions of my birth mother, who like me, places cleaning house somewhere closer to the bottom of the priority list.

So, back to my original line of thought.....I might as well give you the tour now, shamed as I may be for the "BEFORE" shots.....but when you see the "AFTER" shots, you'll know that all hope is NOT lost when it comes to me being a better, cleaner Mi in the new year!

First, let me start by showing you the room BEFORE we actually moved into it. This is how it looked after we spent 2 days stripping off 55 yr old paper wallpaper, entirely empty of ANYTHING but the chair.

So after 3 years of living here, and becoming entirely comfortable within the confines of these walls, clearly I let my slovenly ways take back over. I get hyperfocused on one thing, sometimes, to the detriment of all else. Kind of my way of avoiding painful and difficult things. Something else I am in the process of fixing. Who ISN'T "in the process of" doing something? :)

Without further adieu, I bring you examples of just how easily I can let things get out of control.

These are the BEFORE shots. Definitely NOT as exciting as the AFTER shots will be. I know they say that you shouldn't put your pc in your bedroom, and that it should be a room of relaxation, but reality bites, and this is how the set up is, for now....at least until I can renovate my son's empty room into my office :) Enjoy.

As you can see, I pretty much sleep, drink and work in this room. With my beloved being gone 98% of the time, this room is pretty much my solitary domain. However, I have been truly ashamed of letting it get like this because he does deserve more and better when he comes home. He works hard, and I've failed him alot.

So, the transformation began around 9:30am yesterday morning. Hanging up the clean clothies, taking the dirty clothies to the laundry room, and removing unnecessary books, papers, boxes, wrapping paper and the like, ensued. I did do money-making work in betwixt all the cleaning festivities, and took a break or two when my gallbladderless side started aching, but by 9 pm last night, the transformation, in all it's spotless glory was complete! I love our room. It's dead sexy when it's clean. My favorite thing is the picture that hangs above the bed. It's a print that we bought at an antique store in Harlan of some ancient mystical naked muse lying upon a very tall bed. It is sex personified...and appropos for the room. I love the colors of our room, and the way it feels when it's clean. Maybe I let it go, because 98% of the time, I am a lonely beast, and can't handle the good feelings without the husband there to share it :(

Here, beloveds, is the transformation, from one side to the other. Behold! I CAN CLEAN!! :)

Check out the orb of cleanliness floating by the picture :)

Now free to work and think productively!

Sidenote on After shot #3: Note the picture on top of the dresser. If you visit Stitch Witch you will know that recently I was very enamored of an advertisement from Vanity Fair. I wrote about it here. So, I decided to put the picture where I can gaze in admiration at it on a regular basis! A quick slice and dice of the magazine, and VIOLA!, here it is. And it seems to gel handsomely with the running color theme in the room, albeit a tad bit REDder :)

Free of anything but clothes, shoes, purses and jewelry :)

So, at least one part of life has been altered for the better at the onset of 2009! My next huge undertaking will be to completely overhaul my accounting and bookkeeping methodology. It's a mess of another proportion, and best left for when others are not around to hear me scream and bitch at the mess I have made!

Here's to hoping that my little excursion into cleaning will inspire someone else who may have issues with dust and clutter. If not, hey, at least you have gotten to know two very differents sides of me......and have seen where my thoughts are brought into being.

I trust everyone has made their lists and checked them twice for the New Year. I'll be back to post my list later. First, life.

XO

The Unbearable Weight of Emotion

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 04:01:00 +0000

Double Talk by Kiki Valdes

On a regular basis, the universe can toss you some really heady clues. Wake up calls, if you will. This week I got my universal jingle jingle in the form of an intense article-The 12 Laws of Emotions and an equally intense image of the above painting done by new Twitter friend- @KikiValdes, when I was reading his OpenZine-Kiki Valdes .

The painting itself, pretty much shows me as I see me....one face, all bright, light and smiling, to the world, the other...the true face, shadowed and dark. The article, all about how our emotions drive us, really struck a chord with me.

Many of my emotions, in the past year at least have centered around events and the people in my direct path.....my husband, my children, my parents....and lastly, myself. Or maybe firstly, I don't know. I know I can work myself into an outright uncontrollable lather about certain things, and I also know that, in doing so, I am on the short path to ruin if I don't do something about the way I choose to let my mind work.

At least 6 of the 12 emotional laws can perfectly illustrate my emotional functioning:

The Laws of Change, Habituation and Comparative Feeling

The article states that "...in life we get used to our circumstances whatever they are. The emotions, therefore, respond most readily to change. This means that we are always comparing what is happening to a relatively steady frame of reference"

In my case, that means no matter the amount of shite I have been through in life and forced myself to live seamlessly within it....try to take it away from me and my brain will go into emo overload. Kind of like having Stockholm Syndrome without having suffered from actual physical kidnapping. No matter how much I am hurt, something inside of me is accepting of it, and instead of protecting myself, I've spent a lot of time forgiving and defending the other person's motives.

The Law of Hedonic Asymmetry

Professor Frijda states in Law 7: "There are certain awful circumstances to which we can never become accustomed. If things are bad enough, it is impossible to escape negative feelings like fear or anxiety. On the other hand positive emotions always fade over time. No matter how much we are in love, how big the lottery win, or how copious the quantities of drugs consumed, positive emotions like pleasure always slip away."

So, in my skewed universe, I have been able to accept alot of behaviors, alot of things, but when confronted with certain OTHER circumstances (infidelity, words of a vicious and utterly hate-filled nature) it seems like there's a skip in my record, and these events keep replaying in my head. Over and over and over ad nauseum. And isn't it just so very true that the positive emotions fade away-for me, almost instantaneously. For me, no matter how much work or progress has been made to get past those events that HAVE traumatized my brain, still they will creep back in and negate whatever good has come to fruition. Yay for being me, eh?

The Law of Conservation of Emotional Momentum

Correlating with the above law, number 8 states "Time doesn't heal all wounds - or if it does, it only does so indirectly. Events can retain their emotional power over the years unless we re-experience and re-evaluate them. "

So, I guess it is for me to figure out why some things bother me not, and other things just keep chipping away at my psyche, driving me to the brink. Why do I choose to hang on to these events that have brought me so close to destruction? Why do some things hold more sway in my mind than others? Why am I so dependent upon others for my emotional well-being? Why can't I find the power inside of myself to fix my flaws? I know it's there. If I weren't a strong being, I would have crumbled long ago.

Laws of the Lightest Load and the Greatest Gain

"The emotional impact of an event or situation depends on its interpretation. Putting a different 'spin' on a situation can change the feeling. The law of the lightest load means people are particularly motivated to use re-interpretations to reduce negative emotions."

I've done quite a bit of reinterpretation in my 40 yrs. I've adjusted my boundaries, accepted what some may deem unacceptable, forgiven the unforgiveable. Why? Why does anyone? Am I so desperate and lacking in self worth that I prefer to live life as a door mat? On the flip side, I've exceeded other peoples' boundaries, taken advantage of others' emotions, and committed the unforgiveable.

So maybe what I experience in life is just my self-created dose of Karma. Wiccans say that 'whatever you do comes back to you 3-fold'. So, here I am...and here it is...my self created reality. The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Nothing will change in my environment until I change myself. Now I just have to figure out how to go about making these all to necessary changes.

In the meantime, que sera sera, eh?

Friday Night Storm Brain

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 05:42:00 +0000

Kicking the tires on a new plan of action. Tired of the disarray and confusion that are keeping me firmly cemented on the road to nowhere. So, I think it's high time I use up some monitor ink and start. Earlier this week @lukefrombuzzle gave me some pretty kick-ass information on a personal plan for mapping out goals. We were talking about a pretty general topic-moving to New Orleans, and he asked me how we were coming along with that plan. Well, seeing as how we've (my husband and I) been married for some 12 years, I'm gonna have to go with Status: Stagnant. This conversation, coupled with some pretty indepth personal shite at home, has sparked some real thought inside the brain cavity.

Enough of the introductory nature....On to the brainstorm nature.

Work

Grayson Tighe

-5 Demand articles
-5 eHow articles
-1 or 2 higher quality Bukisa articles
-email Helene about Etsy store work
-Spruce up TwittWall & add additional article lists
-Review recent Public Requests at Constant
-Create a rough road map for laying out my writing for various sites.
*Need to develop a system that includes the brainstorm, the planning, the actions, and the outcomes.
-Start gathering and organizing info about blogging, and writing and personal development issues for some personal research
-Check out assorted blog hosts for consideration of creating a professional blog.
-Learn more about Amazon Assoc. program and how I can get it integrated into Miragiland

Home

-Cleaning would probably be a good idea at some time before Father Time knocks on the door!
*Dust house
*Sweep and mop kitchen & laundry room
-Explore my options with regards to creating balance between home, parenting, self maintenance and health, relationships and the really mundane things that always pop up when you're busy making plans!
-Get treadmill moved out to the Big Room (we have yet to name this vast space)
-Map out a plan, be it hourly, daily, or weekly for getting my bippy in gear!

Self

-No tall orders for me today, thank you! Ha.
-Start mapping out plan for rest of year/ 2009 and set concrete, attainable goals for personal appearance issues
-Check out local fitness center alternatives. We live in Amish hell, it's just not gonna be simple no matter what direction I wanna drive in!
-I realize that I cannot afford to hire a personal trainer to stay with me day & night to keep me on track. However, I miss one on one interaction with someone who doesn't require a lot of coddling, someone who can listen, give feedback, and just generally hang with me. Years of difficult life experience have brought me to a place where I only have 1 friend, and no confidence in ever being a normal woman, let alone human being.
-Revamp my Fitday journal and start actively doing something about where I've gotten to.

~~~

I pretty much think that's an overly tall order for one day's worth of work, but I also know that it is all important and all will HAVE to be done, and tomorrow is no time like the present.

The Ugly Beauty and the Lying Truth

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 12:14:00 +0000

Warning: This is likely to be long-winded, so if you've got better places to be, I fully understand! Furthermore, this may focus more on me than what even I am used to, however if you make it all the way through this, my Thanksgiving Confessional, your feedback is always welcome. Pretty or ugly.

Yeah, so...remember how I posted just recently about my not-so-supernatural snoozethink, and how there was this over and underlying impending sense of dread, fear and maybe even doom? Turns out, maybe none of us should ever pass off our dreams as fodder for the subconscious.

The truth of the matter is this: we are a family of issues. (Direct quote from my beloved). The only one who even comes close to realm of sane, normal, and unafflicted is my son, and lucky him, he has moved away from the storm cloud ridden confines of this house. Every human has issues, regardless of whether they want to divulge them or not, it's just that some of us require more medication and kid-glove handling than others. Guess which side of that spectrum me and my family fall on?

Another truth of the matter: When you're married or in a committed, longish-term relationship-don't ever get comfortable. Comfort can oft be misconstrued as not caring. Relaxation-laziness.

Ok, so here's the sad, pathetic, miserable truth about me. Take me or leave me, as you will, but this be the real person (at least in part) behind the words. Allow me to start with the mental parts first....

Raging with ADD
Well-read, and sometimes well-versed
Passionate (but not outwardly-it's all stuck inside)
Loyal (even when I should probably walk in the opposite direction)
Compassionate when it comes to babies, children, animals, and those who cannot help themselves
Addicted to nicotine, caffeine and pretzels, but not in any particular order
Intuitive-don't mistake that for being intelligent because often times I'm too stupid to listen to my intuitions
Creative
Angry, again not generally in an outward manner. Hence the fuquered-up dreams!
Painfully shy and introverted in public
Lonely

And now for the Ugly Beauty parts:

5'3.3333 (That I can blame on missing a vertebrae....genetically deficient am I)
Longish dark brown hair that gets thinner by the minute (another genetic deficiency)
211 lbs (as of 2 minutes ago)
Brown eyes
Full lashes (everyone always asks if they're real)
No ass to speak off
Don't know exact measurements, just suffice to say I wear size 18 pants, and plus size (the bigger the better) shirts because I can't stand tight clothes that show off rolls. Eww.
Broken glasses because I'm the type that would rather pay bills than worry about getting new clothes and contacs again

So yeah.....do you still think me intelligent, witty or otherwise someone you want to be around, kowing what I really look like? I don't. I feel like a fraud everytime I write. I feel like I am pulling some serious wool over people's eyes in the hopes that someone, somewhere, might appreciate me for more than just the superficial.

Maybe my own lacking of beauty-filled characteristics is why I am so drawn to images of women (more than men) that can just blow you away. Because I'm always dreaming that instead of the disgusting creature I am, that I may someday obtain that kind of appearance. Dream the Fuque ON! I know.

Genetics, life experience, and fate be as it may, I full well realize that I will never even come close to measuring up to society's standards of physical perfection. I fully comprehend that I might come close if and when I choose to.....however, I'm not about to set myself up for predetermined failure by using any of these images to compare myself to.

So, in the course of the past very intricately fuquered-up year, I've lost 54 lbs...and was, in late June, wearing size 12 pants that were getting loose, and now, have gained back at least 1/2 of what I thought I wouldn't see again. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS!

I will NOT waste any kind of time trying to find excuses or blame anyone or anything for my lack of control over this insidious facet of my being. I just won't. I know I'm the only one who has failed myself. There's no one that I can sue. No glorious rampage I can go on against anyone but myself.

I guess I just feel the need to disclose just exactly who it is you're dealing with when you read anything I write.

I'm human. I'm chock full of insecurity and self loathing. Somedays I wish I could be an alcoholic or a drug addict just to ease the constant nagging of my own brain.....but I'm also not one that's gonna run away and cower and hide.

Life is too short for that shite.

Talk to me, read me, get to know me, teach me, learn from me, be my friend, be my enemy, or just pass by....but now, you have a better understanding of me and where I come from.

I am, deep down, a happy soul who wants nothing more than to experience beauty, and creativity and constant laughter. I'm not the negative creep I see in the mirror.

Maybe I just need a new mirror.

So today, on the biggest EATING fuhreaking holiday of the year, I am fully aware of the wakeup call I've been given....the wake up call I'm giving myself......and I know what I need to do to get back in the saddle again.

Rock on, Turkey Tots....may today be filled with good people, good food, and a centrally located bathroom facility! :D

On a brighter note, hey, if you like my hat and you want one of your own, let me know. $10, one handmade hat....your choice of color. Rock on.

Not So Supernatural Snooze Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 23:01:00 +0000

I hate the paranoid dreams. The dreams where it would appear that I’m about to lose one thing over all others. The one thing that is most sacred and important to me is always the thing in dreams that seems to be slipping away.

I know it’s just part of my ever-dwindling self esteem and consistently growing insecurity. I know part of it is just having been separated for so long from he whom I love so very much.

There were strangers, there were elements of reality. There was home, there was old, old furniture, but new new stuff that I don’t even have (like high speed internet). People that represented people but then people that represented nothing.

There was a lot of dark.

There was mention of an AC/DC concert having been held in a shutdown factory. What the hell? Where the hell does this detritus come from? I don’t even listen to AC/DC. I don’t even listen to the radio!

There were college kids. My bag that I carry all my assorted yarn projects in. And a shit-ton of knitting needles in assorted shapes and sizes.

Then there was some latest/greatest magnificent social networking app that I was busy trying to transfer contacts into…when none of that even matters in the grand scheme of existence, so why the hell was it important enough to take up dream real estate?

There was a distinct separation from my mother. There was stormy weather, and not just stormy but evil, wicked, angry, violent looking skies….the skies you just don’t wanna fuque with. No tornadoes this time. Now that I’ve mentioned the word, however, I’m sure one or five will pop up in the next round of snoozethought.

There was serious arguing with my daughter, after her dad having come back home from the road after a long period, however I’m sure this is just a parting mention of what took place this morning. Normal before school go-around about proper attire for public consumption.

I don’t even know the timeline, I’m just writing the elements of the canvas as I recall them. Don’t know if it was a chain reaction kind of thing or what?!?!

Suffice it to say: I hate dreaming.

More precisely: I hate my dreams.

Why can’t I just have a nice, hot, sexy, lovey filled dream about this guy:

Good Lord. That is all.

Three Cups of Coffee and a Morning Full of Nothings...

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 15:55:00 +0000

I am not embarrassed for being depressed, but I am embarrassed for what I do and say while depressed. It’s like being really drunk and making a fool out of yourself. It makes me feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde at times.

by Bobby from Revellian.com

So, yeah. After a particularly bumpy week, it's becoming increasingly clear to me that there are things I need to do in order to get my brain back on track. This year has been one unholy and unblessed hell ride. I'm not here to bore anyone with the details, but here's the short list of the events of the past year or so:

Death of my Mother-in-Law
Onset of a particularly stubborn round of clinical depression
Our 15 year old dog, Baby Bear, had to be put to rest
Infidelity
Graduation
Son Moves away to college
Daughter dealing with mental health issues
Daughter snaps and is hospitalized
Quitting full-time real-world job to care for daughter
Worsening relationship with daughter
Development of Gall Stones & need for Gall Bladder Removal
Facing loss of my own mother as her health continues to decline
Constant battle with school regarding daughters IEP & educational assistance
I know mine is but a short list, and trivial when held up to the trials and tribulations that befall others. I know this. Supposedly, as has been said, we're never given more than we can handle.
So, what I'd love to know is how strong do the 'powers that be' think I am?! How much more shite can land in my lap before I crumble? Did you know it's also incorrect to say that someone is having a "Nervous Breakdown"? So if I'm NOT experiencing a nervous breakdown, just what the hell is going on with me?

This is what it feels like: I'm standing alone and being thrown mason blocks one after the other after the other.....'here, catch....", and they just keep piling up in my arms, and I can't carry any more.

It seems like, with age, the depressive cycles are getting progressively severe. The periods of normalcy, much shorter. This is the first year in my 40 that I have actively sought therapy. I was blissfully ignorant and thought that a magic lil pill was all I ever needed. Right. Drugs, therapy, you'd think I'd be on the track to NORMAL. Not so much.

Last year, when I wrote this- This is My Stop -on my Gather blog, I hadn't written anything substantial in months....everything is a consistent blur when you're in the throes of a downswing. And the feelings expressed therein heightened as the months passed on. Things were especially bad when both my husband and I were trying to adjust to the grief and sadness. It did not go well. I wouldn't find that out for months, though, as I was too far gone inside my own pain to notice. That's something I still can't really forgive myself for. It's hard to accept that you can be so blinded by a mental/physical imbalance that you can't see what's right in front of your face!

By the time we had to put Baby Bear to rest, I was hollowed out and numb, and nearly unreachable.

Baby Bear with lil puppity Paulie Walnuts

I guess I was way down because Bear had been slowly deteriorating over at least the course of the year before, and so her passing was kind of the straw smashing this camel's back.

I don't know that I can ever put into detail how it's like during this phase because everything just turns into a blur, even shortly after it happens.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not wallowing in self-piteous overtones 24/7. I do have days where I actually can get things accomplished. It's just the 'getting there' part that sucks. At least this time around, I know I've made progress, because in the past I would most definitely cut myself off completely from human contact. No emails, no blogs, no online social networky stuff, no nothing. It would be me, the assorted pets, and the tv, and the couch. And a blank stare.

I have had 4 people in the last 2 months tell me that I should write a book. So, I guess maybe I should take a stroll down that alley some day and put all the various and sundry sordid details down in bits or on paper. Who knows. The first step will be in finding somewhere to even begin.

I've been slinking around, writing here and there, working on the Stitch Witch, and seriously getting some things around to start my own store on Etsy. I have a couple boxes full of things I've already made, and plans for many more things. Doing these things keeps my mind occupied and keeps me alive.

If you read this, and you're in utter shock that I could be a person who suffers from this disease/disorder/impairment/whatever you want to call it.....then you have experienced what depressed people do in order to live. We act. We should get academy awards. Golden statues. Luxuriously loaded gift bags. Red Carpet. In some sick way, it's in keeping with that "fake it till you make it" adage.

Furthermore, I think you'd be surprised if you met me in person, because:

a. It'd be shocking if you saw me at all. Most people nearly walk through me
b. I have severe difficulty conversing out loud. I don't like the phone either.

I've always been painfully shy, and a loner. Never had many friends. Never wanted many. Friendships of the close kind are just not my thing, I guess. Don't misconstrue that to mean I am cold hearted and self centered, because quite the opposite, I'm the best listener you'll ever meet, and I always wish that I could do everything in my power to fix other peoples' pain, but I can't. My open and giving nature, however, turned me into a door mat most times, and thusly I end up giving up.

I'm a pushover for those I love, but not for strangers. I've worked on my self confidence for years, and it comes and goes. Most time, in public, I rarely look anyone in the eye. When I was working, I would consciously make the effort to make eye contact and say hello to people. But seriously, it just felt foreign. Like, why bother.....but then that's the depression talking, right?

Ok, I've babbled on enough for one year. This is not something I'm likely to discuss on a regular basis. The only reason I felt inspired to talk about it today was because I spent lots of time last night reading my new friend Bobby's blog-Revellian.com . That's a quote from one of his posts about his own dealings with depression. I think it must be that we're normally drawn to others who possess the same characteristics and thought processes. I know I have much to learn from him, and you do too. Give him a read, I promise it's worth it!

Enjoy your day/night/time zone of choice.

Mi

Adult Questions-Just For Gits And Shiggles!

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 21:48:00 +0000

Because no one can ever call ME a chicken, I'm posting this not so gnarly adult questionnaire. Everyone's got to have a diversion once in a while, right?

Sex in the morning, afternoon, or night? Morning for spontaneity, afternoon for lovemaking, and night for just plain hot! :P

What side of the bed do you sleep on? When my husband is home, I'm on the left. When he's gone, I sleep on his side.

Pork, beef, or chicken? Prime freakin' Rib, baby!

Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? Nope

Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? Nope

Shower or bath? Shower

Do you pee in the shower? Nope

Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? Aggressive

Do you love someone in your friends list? Not like that!

Do you know all the people in your friends list? No.

Love or money? Love

Credit cards or Cash? Cash

Have you ever had anyone in your family you wished wasn't ? No

Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel? Camping beside 5 Star hotel.

Where is the weirdest place you have had sex? Define weird.

Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money? 10 billion dollars, maybe.

Have you ever been to a strip club? Often

Ever been to a bar? Too often.

Ever been kicked out of a bar or club? No, but I've fallen out.

Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? Probably. Don't remember!

Kissed someone of the same sex? Yes I HAVE!

Ever had sex in the bathroom? Indeedy

Have you ever had sex at work? Not telling.

Have you ever been in an "adult store"? Yep

Have u ever bought anything from an adult store? Yep.

Ever been caught having sex? Yep.

Does anyone have naughty pics of you? Maybeeeeee.

Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name? NO!

Motor City vs AIG & Wall Street

noreply@blogger.com (Miragi) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:35:00 +0000

Who needs a bailout more? An industry that employs hundreds of thousands of people or the self-appointed Lords of Wall Street?

You do the math. Think about it, long and hard! Where would your rather see your tax dollars go?

If the automotive industry goes down the porcelain waterway, it's a trickle-down failure of epic proportions. The Big Three, along with thousands of suppliers, their employees, families and the small towns who are built around these companies all cave.

If AIG or any of the financiers on Wall Street take a hit, they might (stress MIGHT) have to sit out another pat-on-the-ass festival in California and perhaps the special few don't get their annual bonuses. Furthermore, in reality, if you consider the track record for the past year,are bonuses really in order? Bonuses paid by you and me?

If you think the economy is in trouble now, wait until the Auto industry self-destructs. If no one had any compunction about holding the pin in the AIG grenade, even after watching them spit on our tax dollars, then why would it be so hard to give the automotive industry a fraction of that amount in the form of a loan?

There is mismanagement in every sector. However, there comes a time when you have to evaluate how much fallout the US can handle, and whether utter chaos that will come from the destruction of a backbone industry or the collapse of greed-mongering idiocy on Wall Street is preferable.

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