Get Out Of My Rowboat

What better time to start over than shortly after your birthday? Since the resolution thing took a swim down the toidy, I figured a mid-year review may be the way to revive my waning desire to keep going.

In the past 7 months:

-My son finished his 1st year of college with an A average
-My daughter left and moved in with her grandparents
-Marriage has had at least 57 ups and downs, as per usual
-Depression seems to have taken on the role of second skin

I really had some high hopes for this year. Clearly, something has killed my buzz.

Been doing a lot of soul and mind searching. Trying to find exactly what it is that I am and can do with my life.

In the first part of this year, I've been called:

-Whore
-Bitch
-Stalker
-Retard
-Idiot
-Lazy
-Bent Out of Shape
-Bag Lady

Only one of those names came from someone who doesn't know me personally.

I'm fully and completely aware of my long list of fuck-ups. I am also becoming aware that the incessant badgering, belittlement and belligerence of those who choose their words with such complete abandon is getting old.

I know I've not been the best person I could be. I know that I've also chosen some of my own words with complete and utter abandon, as well. It's just an endless replay of Catch 22. Fucked if you do, fucked if you don't. My head is burning.

I'm not putting this all out into the abyss as a cry for sympathy, because I know I've done my share to bring it on. I'm saying it out loud because I'm tired of being quiet about it. I'm tired of painting on a semi-happy, glossed over, face to the world, while inside I am silently being run through the shredder. I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm right next door to destroyed.

But, what I know most of all is this:

I am moving forward.
I am leaving behind that which I have no power to change.
I am done wanting, needing and waiting on the support and approval of those closest to the home front.

If I'm gonna do this, I have to do it on my own.

Que Sera Sera, right?